The sunlight streams through my blinds alerting me that it’s time to arise and start a new day, but I lay in bed a while longer letting last nights thoughts plague my mind. I don’t sleep like I use to, because there are too many things I allow to ruin my days. From being rejected by the woman I love every year I try to win her back, to fighting a battle for my mind. Every day is a mystery to me I never know which way my emotions will go, will I engage in social activity or revert to my lone wolf status? My feelings over the years have become so much darker when they once were bright and outgoing, now I dwell deep in my soul setting fire to the memories that use to make me feel so enthusiastic and full of joy. All that ended with one failed relationship started too early.
The expression, “young and dumb” really hits home because when you’re young you tend to think you know everything. You imagine just because you’ve listened to songs about it or older people have told you about it, that you’re ready to traverse that territory. You are so ill prepared for the journey that you fail to pause and check your mind for the proper experience and knowledge. And this is the part where being dumb comes into play. Being 13 years old I was so stupid and immature, that looking back now all I can do is shake my head in dismay. I lost a really good woman because I wasn’t ready to handle the responsibilities of a relationship.
Now I force myself to stay in her life even when she doesn’t love me the way I learned to love her, knowing I’m nothing special to her heart anymore. I am fully aware that she denies her feelings for me because they aren’t important enough to her. I struggle daily to find the will to leave, because in my mind I love her and you don’t leave the one you love behind. But, this pain that festers in my heart will eventually inflicted further damage to my future relationships. Sooner or later I will need to leave and when that day comes I will finally be free.